When I crashed and burned after my first 10k month freelancing as a tech artist / creative producer I felt so frustrated at myself.
An arm injury that was coming back made it impossible to be doing intensive computer work, let alone do it for 8hrs.
Deep down I had a fear that I wasted my entire year in grad school because suddenly I didn’t know if I wanted to be in front of a computer all day (which is what a technical artist does), and at the time I already spent 1000+ hours investing my time into it.
That’s when I started this newsletter, because the only creative outlet that didn’t feel forced to me was…writing.
And it was magic.
Words flew out of my hands naturally about all the struggles I was going through, and eventually how I was overcoming them. I posted it on Medium and had a lot of friends reach out to me about how they could totally relate.
That’s when I had the idea for this newsletter…then a whole wave of self doubt hit me and I stopped.
“Who would even read it?”
“It’ll probably won’t work in the long term”
“It’ll be way too hard for me to commit to this every week”
I stopped writing and struggled with my purpose for another 6 months.
It was only after producing a mixed reality art project that was BASED on those articles and receiving all the positive feedback from me sharing my message, I KNEW I had to stop lying to myself.
My favorite part about the project was people telling me how they needed to hear my story and the message about their worthiness. How this is something they felt like would positively impact their lives every day.
Not designing it or programming it.
That my meaning was in the message I shared, not the form I was sharing it in.
I had the spark to write again.
Realizing I had in some ways repeated the same pattern of going for plan B…which at the root of it all had to do with how qualified and deserving I felt like to show up.
I felt like UNTIL I was a “successful” artist…I had no right to talk about personal development, mindset, or manifestation.
If I’m being totally honest, it’s still the #1 internal struggle I encounter while walking the path of a coach.
BUT every single time I feel the doubt creep in… I know I only have one choice to make: am I going to decide I’m not good enough yet, or that I am RIGHT NOW?
This time, I know if I make the “not enough” choice, I give my power away…and I’m tired of it.
I’m gonna keep showing up this time. Because me showing up and changing myself is the best way for me to help those I care about.
And that’s living in my purpose.
All my love,
Ai
This week's journal prompt: