Just 4 months ago in March…I was dealing with the most intense anxiety I’ve ever experienced.
It hit me like a truck. For the first time in my life, I understood why people needed mental health breaks. Because I seriously could not get out of bed, let alone do any work. And I’ve been a chronic do-er my whole life, so I knew that something was wrong.
I was facing a big project deadline for a group exhibition where I felt like I was accountable to so many people…my mind kept racing with installation ideas but none of them seemed like they were good enough. The prototypes I made felt like shit and I was embarrassed to talk about them or show them to anyone.
The final straw was when I pulled an ankle muscle working out (and exercise was one of the things keeping me sane) and I couldn’t even walk. That was when all the fears, overwhelm, and stresses piled over the top and I had to face them.
Looking back now, that dark night of the soul was probably one of the best things that has ever happened to me. It helped me realize that deep down…I still didn’t think I was enough. I didn’t think my personal ideas were good enough - I had to copy the crowd and speak in a certain way and talk about certain concepts. I didn’t think my designs were witty or fun enough - which caused me to constantly over-scope and run in circles, never being able to fully land on or be satisfied with ANY of my ideas. It took an ankle strain and me not being able to walk for a week for me to finally pause and face my deep insecurities and feelings. I did shadow work for the first time. I re-parented my inner child. And while finishing that project still wasn’t easy, I knew I had a new path forward. I got clear on what mattered to me…and the rest was just frosting on the cake. If people didn’t like the project for what it was, they would just have to deal with it.
In many ways, it felt like a HUGE risk to me. I was so used to spinning my wheels in all the little details, making sure EVERYTHING is perfect and that I had a counter argument to any possible comment or flaw. This time, I made my project in a way that relied and used what was easy for me, and I felt my “WORK AND TRY HARDER” programming fight hard.
I had no choice, since my mental and physical health were begging me to stop the madness. And once I showed that project and installation…everyone loved it. They received the exact message I wanted to convey, the only thing that was really important to me anyways (not the extra interaction, fluff and visuals). I was so mind blown because it meant ALL the fears and anxieties that were caused from my projections of the past and future DIDN’T ACTUALLY HAVE TO HAPPEN.
This experience changed my life. I stopped worrying as much about what others thought about my work, or about me. I stopped thinking everything had to be perfect before I could talk about it or be excited about it or show it or sell it. And when I do catch myself in that pattern…in self-doubting to the point of burnout…I see it clearly and re-direct myself.
When we talk about a life of ease and flow, at the very FOUNDATION is knowing our self worth. It’s getting real about what’s important, and knowing the rest doesn’t actually fucking matter. Perfection doesn’t attract. Authenticity does. Vulnerability does. Open-heartedness does.
A life with nothing to hide is the real meaning of a life with freedom. The type of freedom that keeps me excited to grow each day, and the type that I believe everyone is naturally deserving and capable of.
All my love,
Ai